Sep 26, 2016

Drunken thought (not that I actually am)



In all honesty, it is by far the worst decision I've ever made. I shouldn't have done it in the first place, shouldn't have thought its alright in the second place. I couldn't think straight, I shouldn't be allowed to say anything. Probably slurred a word or two ; should have known I wasn't in the right state to do things.

 It does make me wonder though, it really does. Every ticking- tock in my watch I spent thinking about the what ifs; the possibilities that aren't possible anymore. Every night I replay all the scenes and I wonder what went wrong; I wonder why I went wrong. Should I get the chance to redo all the stuffs I did, would I do it better? Would I make things worse? Is there any better scenario than the life as it is?

Only god knows why He let me do things I done. Should I beg for mercy? There is rules written but I know I try to bent and bent and bent all the rules until it suits me. I no longer do things accordingly - I know that for a fact. So should I still beg for mercy?

I am still lost. Until god knows when. 

Sep 20, 2016

R

My ultra busy guy; with a mixture of flaws and strength.  Though we don't meet a lot for a couple whose faculty is just 500 m away (HA) but it's alright. You are still one of my favorite person in the whole world. In all honesty I can not wait until we finally have a proper day - off together (god let it be soon enough) but for now; i'm okay with this whole busy me and busy you situation. As long as it's with you.

Sep 18, 2016

Things I'd like to say


I never though I will ever write about you, but I guess it's nice to have a little reminder so here we go. Here's to months ago; where I realized things I should've realized a year or two year ago. We crossed path one time but I think once is enough for a life time. People said that every person in your life is either a blessing or a lesson. I used to think that you are a blessing but you turn out to be a huge life lesson. You make me realize that certain people are toxic for ourselves. We both were toxic for each other, we did each other no good. I never thought other person have that capabilities of hurting me that bad; congrats you are the one who does so much damage to me. I learned to heal on my own though thanks to you.  I never hated you, people say I should've been mad at how you treated me but I don't see any use of that.I learned to see more clearly now; I wonder how could I didn't see things.  I ain't gonna play saint I believe I've done a lot of bad things to you too - lp. Thankfully the worst is over, I hope you are okay now. I hope you will see me with no hate someday. Not now, but someday.

Sep 8, 2016

Kinda Okay


Been almost two years since I last wrote here.I was still a freshman back then, fresh-faced, new to the city, a bit naive but excited regardless. I thought this is it, my life is going to change a lot. I used to think back to those good ol' times I am going to have a life so different than what it'd be if I choose to stay in Jogja. I was right - it is hella different.

But it is hard to say whether it is a good different or a bad one.

Don't get me wrong; I love Jakarta. A lot. I love the freedom it gives me. I love the hustle. I love the vibrant vibes. I love the fact that I can be someone new. I am someone new. I am not who I was in my high school days. I just don't know if I like this new me better.

Into my third year of staying in this city I realized I have changed a lot. There are major differences in me I can pinpoint. I am more open; more flexible. Am I too open, too flexible? I might be. All I know is that the old me wouldn't ever imagine that the 19 year old me would be like this. I know she would like the idea of me right now : A big city gal who dream big and try to dream even bigger. But I have no idea what she would say of the life I have now. I guess she would have a love - hate arguments as I have right now; after all there are parts of my mindset that always stay.

If I can have another guess; I'd like to say that she would believe that this is still the best choice for me even after all I've been through. Like I do, now.