Dec 7, 2016
Weeks and weeks and weeks
Pretty long time if you ask me
To occupy my mind quite often and repeatedly
Here is a thing or two, though,
Please please just whisk away
To somewhere I wouldn't care to know
Here I want to know
And I am torn in two
For I never care until I do now
Shall I say goodbye for now?
My mind is already occupied as it is
I don't need another to fill
Mine is already overflowing
Nov 8, 2016
In all honesty - I always know that i'm going to hate November. Well, not necessarily hate. But I know I will have a complex relationship with this month. So many things to do yet so little time. I feel like I'm exhausted to the point where I just want to sleep and forget but my responsibilities keep dragging me so I just have to... go on. After all, I am not a person who doesn't do her job deliberately. I don't know why, it's just me and my morale. I can't just ditch responsibilities no matter how tempting it is.... god believe me I am so tempted couple of times but I just cant. Sometimes it feels like a good thing, sometimes it's not. I just ought to pray to God and believe in myself that I have what it takes to not only survive, but ace this November. My hardest November so far...... but at least I always survive every single obstacle in my live so far.
Oct 23, 2016
here's to my attempt to love every inch of life,
love every inch of it,
not just days filled with warmth,
not just the highs,
but the lows as well,
days filled with wrong choices
and days without any choices left and all you can do is to go through it all
to love the depth of darkness in life left unexplored,
deep deep down the spine.
Here with you cause you got the right vibe
Seems like you probably got a dope mind
But it’s gotta be the right time
We're only good for the night time
Cause I’m a problem with problems, I know who I am and I’m not no good
You can have me tonight or never, I thought you understood
Baby some people are meant to be loved and others just make it
So take what I'm willing to give and love it or hate it
Don’t think because you’re with me this is real
Don’t stop what you're doing cause I like how you do it
zayn - wrong
Oct 16, 2016
17 used to be a mere number. Never a tad bit important to me. A number in passing, a number I always deliberately forget. Never once I thought it will be a number I look forward each month. But you make me like 17 the most ; putting it in the back of my mind. I wrote a lot of tacky stuffs about you here eventhough you almost never read it (pls jangan baca lagi) but if you read this, well here goes : you are worth shit ton of tacky stuffs because you constantly add colors to my gray-scale days. Happy 17, many more to come down the road!
I'm dizzy. It's two am in the morning but I'm here, writing my rambling thoughts thinking that if I don't I probably will be awake till the sun start to creep again. Sleeping feels like a chore nowadays; I can't bring my mind to just stop and chill. I guess it is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything at once; madly; deeply.
Oct 9, 2016
Never understand how my brain works. It keeps telling me things that contradict with each other. Sometimes I want to go away from here, go away to some secret beaches and inhale the salty air and just feel the breeze slowly poke my cheeks. But sometimes I want to stay, enjoy the chaotic streets because in that chaos strangely enough I found me a wave of calmness.
Most of the time though, I just want to inhale and exhale and probably cry a bit with coffee in my hand and cumming poems in the other one, accompanied with neruda and holden.
Because I do now.
People said that very little is needed to make a happy life; I think it's true. You happen to be one of the variable that do.
Oct 6, 2016
Sep 26, 2016
In all honesty, it is by far the worst decision I've ever made. I shouldn't have done it in the first place, shouldn't have thought its alright in the second place. I couldn't think straight, I shouldn't be allowed to say anything. Probably slurred a word or two ; should have known I wasn't in the right state to do things.
It does make me wonder though, it really does. Every ticking- tock in my watch I spent thinking about the what ifs; the possibilities that aren't possible anymore. Every night I replay all the scenes and I wonder what went wrong; I wonder why I went wrong. Should I get the chance to redo all the stuffs I did, would I do it better? Would I make things worse? Is there any better scenario than the life as it is?
Only god knows why He let me do things I done. Should I beg for mercy? There is rules written but I know I try to bent and bent and bent all the rules until it suits me. I no longer do things accordingly - I know that for a fact. So should I still beg for mercy?
I am still lost. Until god knows when.
Sep 20, 2016
Sep 18, 2016
I never though I will ever write about you, but I guess it's nice to have a little reminder so here we go. Here's to months ago; where I realized things I should've realized a year or two year ago. We crossed path one time but I think once is enough for a life time. People said that every person in your life is either a blessing or a lesson. I used to think that you are a blessing but you turn out to be a huge life lesson. You make me realize that certain people are toxic for ourselves. We both were toxic for each other, we did each other no good. I never thought other person have that capabilities of hurting me that bad; congrats you are the one who does so much damage to me. I learned to heal on my own though thanks to you. I never hated you, people say I should've been mad at how you treated me but I don't see any use of that.I learned to see more clearly now; I wonder how could I didn't see things. I ain't gonna play saint I believe I've done a lot of bad things to you too - lp. Thankfully the worst is over, I hope you are okay now. I hope you will see me with no hate someday. Not now, but someday.
Sep 8, 2016
Been almost two years since I last wrote here.I was still a freshman back then, fresh-faced, new to the city, a bit naive but excited regardless. I thought this is it, my life is going to change a lot. I used to think back to those good ol' times I am going to have a life so different than what it'd be if I choose to stay in Jogja. I was right - it is hella different.
But it is hard to say whether it is a good different or a bad one.
Don't get me wrong; I love Jakarta. A lot. I love the freedom it gives me. I love the hustle. I love the vibrant vibes. I love the fact that I can be someone new. I am someone new. I am not who I was in my high school days. I just don't know if I like this new me better.
Into my third year of staying in this city I realized I have changed a lot. There are major differences in me I can pinpoint. I am more open; more flexible. Am I too open, too flexible? I might be. All I know is that the old me wouldn't ever imagine that the 19 year old me would be like this. I know she would like the idea of me right now : A big city gal who dream big and try to dream even bigger. But I have no idea what she would say of the life I have now. I guess she would have a love - hate arguments as I have right now; after all there are parts of my mindset that always stay.
If I can have another guess; I'd like to say that she would believe that this is still the best choice for me even after all I've been through. Like I do, now.